Awakening to Sunlight Read online

  Judith’s expression changed and Lizzy realized she was taking too long to reply. She pushed her doubt aside and spoke enthusiastically.

  “Absolutely, Judith! It’s great news.”

  Judith seemed to relax again and at that moment Lizzy realized that Judith’s emotions were very easily reflected in her face. A trait she found endearing.

  They sat at the dinner table and while Judith told her in further detail what the lady from the job agency had said, Lizzy ate the shepherd’s pie that Judith had made her.

  “She also said that if I do well I might be able to get more hours. I mean, I know it’s a far cry from teaching, but it’s a job, and I’m going to need a job if I’m to find a place for Emily and myself, aren’t I?”

  Lizzy found it a shame that although Judith was excited about the job, she clearly feared putting too much emphasis on it.

  “Going into people’s homes to clean is very different from teaching, and it won’t always be easy, but I think you have the right to be excited and that you should be and that you should see this as a stepping stone to better pastures.”

  Judith’s face lit up. “Oh, Lizzy, that is such a lovely way of putting it.”

  Lizzy enjoyed witnessing Judith’s delight and placed her knife and fork down feeling, for a brief moment, content.

  “Jeez, Judith, you sure can cook.”

  “Your compliment is touching, but it’s only a shepherd’s pie, and an ordinary one at that.”

  It suddenly dawned on Lizzy that Judith had not believed her when she had complimented her on her cooking on previous occasions.

  “I mean it, Judith.”

  Judith turned away, shyly. “I’ve been told often enough that my cooking is plain to know it is.”

  Lizzy looked at her empty plate trying to figure out how anybody could call what she had just eaten plain. She knew instinctively that it was Judith’s ex who had convinced her of this, and she felt like giving him her fist to chew on.

  “I’m sorry, Judith, but whoever told you that is a complete ass.”

  Judith burst out laughing. “Oh, I’m so sorry, but if you knew Menno then you’d understand why that’s so funny.”

  Lizzy had already decided that she didn’t like this Menno guy, and now finding out that he had deliberately tried to convince Judith that she couldn’t cook only added to the feeling of animosity. He obviously didn’t appreciate her and Lizzy wondered what it was about him that had attracted Judith in the first place. She hoped Judith knew she deserved better.

  “Are you filing for divorce?”

  She shook her head. “No, we never married. It’s quite funny if you think about it. I eloped and left everything I knew to be able to marry him, and we never did get around to tying the knot.”

  Lizzy didn’t think it was funny, but thought it rather sad.

  “Have you spoken to him since you left?”

  Judith shook her head. “No, I know I have to eventually, but I’ve been scared that he’ll somehow convince me to go back. I did leave him a note, though, the day I left.” She grimaced. “I feel a bit guilty about that. Ten years reduced to a simple good-bye note.”

  “Would you go back if he asked you?”

  Judith drew an invisible pattern with her right hand on the table’s surface. “I hope not.”

  “You hope not?” Lizzy was astounded by Judith’s vulnerability.

  “I don’t trust my own resolve around him. He has this way of making me agree with him somehow.”

  “Well, you found the resolve to leave him.”

  “Yes, I did. The thing is I didn’t leave him for me, I left him for my daughter.”

  “Some people would argue that’s the same thing, coming from a mother.”

  Judith smiled faintly at Lizzy’s remark.

  “I did try to make it work. I kept thinking every couple has their problems, if I just try harder…” Judith shook her head. “I thought I was doing right by Emily by trying to make it work, but I didn’t realize just how miserable her life had become until she started having nightmares and the doctor explained to me that she was suffering from anxiety.” Judith paused and drew in a long breath before continuing. “Menno rarely acknowledges her presence, and when he does it’s to scold her for something. According to the doctor, that and his overpowering nature when he’s home is what makes Emily feel anxious. Although she’s only seven she is aware that her father doesn’t like her and a part of her thinks it’s her fault. She wants to make it better, but doesn’t know how to. According to the doctor, these feelings come to the surface when she’s asleep. Hence the nightmares.”

  Lizzy, like most people she knew, didn’t have good relations with her father, but thinking back to the few times she had interacted with Emily, she couldn’t for the life of her imagine how anybody could dislike her, let alone her own father.

  “How on earth can he not like her?”

  “Because he’s convinced I’m unfaithful to him and he doesn’t believe she’s his.”

  Judith didn’t strike Lizzy as the cheating kind. “I take it his beliefs are misplaced?”

  “I loved him. It never crossed my mind to have an affair. When we first started dating he would say that seeing how other men looked at me made him feel proud to have me standing at his side. I used to be flattered, but then as time went by his perception of how other men looked at me grew irrational. We’d go somewhere and he’d be all charming and nice, but as soon as we got back home he would accuse me of flirting. The more I denied his accusations, the more convinced he was and the angrier he became. I couldn’t win. Nothing I said or did made any difference. Menno was the one who initially suggested that we try for a child, and I naïvely thought that maybe having a child together would change things, but when Emily was born his silly paranoia transferred onto her. He became fixated with the idea that she was the product of me being with another man.”

  Lizzy wasn’t sure whether she should pity the man or to simply dislike him even more. “Jeez, Judith, he sounds like a really nice guy.”

  Judith looked remorseful. “There was a time when he was, or at least seemed to be.”

  “But you stayed with him for another seven years?”

  “Well, he was the father of my child and I thought with enough love and patience we’d get through it, but like I said, when I realized that Emily was suffering I knew it was time to leave. I feel bad about leaving the way I did, but I knew I wouldn’t keep up the nerve if I had to confront him.” Judith shook her head. “It’s strange talking to you about him. It’s like I have this whole life that I remember, but that I don’t feel happened. It must sound mad to you.”

  Lizzy knew exactly what she meant, but she didn’t want to start thinking about that.

  “Well, if it’s any consolation, I think you’re being very brave and you did the right thing in leaving him.”

  “Has anyone ever told you you’re a good listener?”

  Lizzy felt a wave of sadness wash over her. Maurice used to tell her all the time. For a moment Lizzy held Judith’s gaze, noticing for the first time that she had chestnut-colored eyes. Their warmth invited her to share her past and for a fleeting moment Lizzy considered telling Judith about Maurice, but then fear took hold of her as she realized that meant revealing how she felt, and the idea of baring her true feelings to anyone, let alone someone she barely knew, was overwhelming. She looked at her watch, pretending to notice the time, and politely excused herself. Ten minutes later she was lying in bed wondering why adults found it so easy to fool themselves.

  Chapter Seven

  Judith checked the paper one last time to be absolutely certain she had the right address before stepping forward and ringing the doorbell of her first house of call. The door was opened by an elderly man who welcomed her in with a heartfelt handshake. He waited politely until she’d hung up her coat before handing her a piece of paper explaining that it was a list with instructions his wife had left for her to do. Judith thought it rather lon
g considering she was only supposed to be there for one and a half hours, but withheld from commenting and simply asked him where they kept their cleaning supplies, and within minutes she was hard at work.

  It had taken her just over an hour to complete the list for downstairs. She’d cleaned all the windows, she’d dusted and vacuumed all the rooms, had cleaned the downstairs toilet and was making her way up the stairs to start on the bathroom when an elderly woman walked in through the front door. Judith stopped her ascent and headed back down the stairs to introduce herself. The woman gave her a quick glance over before loosely accepting her handshake. “Have you been following my instructions?”

  Judith was taken aback by the woman’s directness and simply replied, “Yes.”

  “Show me.”

  Judith didn’t like the manner in which she was being spoken to and for a moment considered saying something, but despite her feelings she surprised herself by walking back into the living room and pointing out what she’d done. Then, Judith watched in disbelief as the woman started to inspect the windows, exaggeratedly scrutinizing them up close. “Did you use spiritus?”

  “Yes, just like you wrote on the list.”

  “It doesn’t look like you have.”

  Judith didn’t know whether to laugh at the absurdity of the remark or feel insulted.

  “I can assure you I have.”

  “Do it again.”

  Judith couldn’t believe she was being told to clean a window she had only just cleaned.

  “And I can assure you, I will be calling the agency about you.”

  Before Judith could respond the woman turned and left the room leaving Judith staring after her dumbstruck. She wanted to stick up for herself, but wasn’t quite sure how to and at the same time didn’t want to cause trouble. She needed the work and couldn’t risk losing it over her pride or the quirks of a rude old lady. She made a noble attempt at putting her feelings of indignation and disbelief to one side and started cleaning the window again.

  *

  Judith felt completely done in and struggled to keep up with Emily’s chatter. She had managed to pick her up from school on time and was grateful to be finally sitting, albeit on the streetcar. She had never been someone to cower from hard work, but there was a limit to how many windows a person could clean in one day. Fortunately her other clients had not been like her first. They had been polite and had seemed grateful for her work. She had especially enjoyed her visit to Miss Rossum. The old woman had seemed excited at her arrival and had welcomed her in enthusiastically. Miss Rossum had wanted them to work together, explaining that she liked to do things for herself and only wanted Judith to do the things she could not. So while Judith cleaned the windows and wiped away the cobwebs from the ceiling, Miss Rossum dusted her silver. While they worked, Miss Rossum talked about some of her experiences from during the Second World War and Judith listened intently. She’d been disappointed when the time had come to move on to her next client, but being reminded of what some people had had to endure during the war made her own problems seem less insurmountable, and she had left the old woman’s house with a new sense of determination.

  *

  When they entered the apartment they were greeted by the sound of classical music. Listening to it reminded Judith of her childhood, when she would be lying in her bed and would hear the faint sound of classical music. It meant her father was home and resting in his study. She would creep out of bed and quietly make her way along the hall and down the grand stairwell toward her father’s study. She would find him sitting in his big old leather chair behind his big wooden desk with his head resting back, his tie undone, seemingly asleep. She would quietly but quickly cross the room, climb onto his lap, and cuddle up to his warm chest. Without a word he would raise his arms and engulf her. They would sit like that, warm and snug, surrounded by classical music, until she fell asleep. The next time she opened her eyes it would be morning and she’d be back in her bed as if she had never left it.

  The memory warmed her, and while Emily rushed to the living room to put the TV on, Judith followed the music coming from Lizzy’s study. The door was open and she could see Lizzy sitting at her desk leaning over a very thick manuscript. Her study wasn’t messy, but it certainly looked chaotic. It was obvious that the room had been decorated with the same elegance as the rest of the apartment, but it was now overtaken by the paper, books, and tapes strewn about the room. Judith had no doubt that Lizzy knew where everything was, but she knew it would be a tall order for anyone else to find something without instructions and possibly the use of a compass.

  She realized that this was the first time she was seeing Lizzy doing something other than eating or coming and going and allowed herself a moment to observe her unawares. She had only ever seen Lizzy wearing polo shirts or turtlenecks with either jeans or corduroy trousers, and today was no different. She was wearing a navy blue polo shirt with jeans. She was leaning over the manuscript, her head slightly tilted to the left resting in her hand, her fingers intertwined in her thick blond hair. In her other hand she held a red pen and was slowly following the lines on the page. Judith had already thought her a handsome woman, but the afternoon sun accentuated her delicate features, highlighting the soft curves of her cheeks, jaw, and slender neck.

  She gently knocked on the door.

  Lizzy’s head snapped up and she stared at Judith with hazed blue eyes. She blinked several times and seemed confused. A trace of anguish swept across her features and she shook her head as if trying to vanquish an unwanted image or thought. “I…I must have lost track of time.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.” Lizzy stood abruptly and placed the manuscript in a drawer off to the side. She then paused, exhaling slowly before turning to face Judith again.

  “So how did it go today?”

  Judith was momentarily taken back by Lizzy’s swift change of demeanor. She had no idea what had upset Lizzy, but in a matter of seconds she had completely found her composure again. Judith realized in that instant that Lizzy was very good at hiding her true emotions. “It was okay, can’t complain. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m sure.” She smiled as if to prove her point. “I thought I’d cook tonight, give you a break.”

  Judith was touched by the offer, but Lizzy had already done enough for them.

  “It’s nice of you to offer, but I’m fine.”

  “Going into people’s homes to clean can be physically very hard work and can be mentally draining. I’m sure you could complain if you wanted to.”

  “No really, it wasn’t that bad. Although I’m looking forward to having a shower and putting some clean clothes on.”

  “Well, there you go, then. It’s settled. I’m cooking.”

  *

  Lizzy stepped out onto the terrace. The image of Maurice standing in her doorway still crowded her mind. She had been so consumed with her reading that for a brief moment she had lost touch with the here and now. It had been a long time since she had lost herself in her work like that. In the past she would frequently lose track of time and then look up to find Maurice already home, smiling at her from the doorway. When she heard the knock, her spirit had instantly lifted and she had automatically looked up expecting to see Maurice. Then in a split second, reality had catapulted itself through her consciousness, and it had cost her an enormous amount of mental effort not to crumble. Before today she would have, but even through her confusion, she had recognized the tiredness in Judith’s face. The sudden concern she had felt for her had somehow helped her to compose herself again. She felt frustrated that she had confused the two very different women and felt immensely defeated at once again having to acknowledge the fact that Maurice would never again stand in her doorway.

  From somewhere behind her Emily giggled at a cartoon. The innocent vivacious sound of a child resonating within her own home reasserted how different her life now was, but it also reminded her she was supposed to be cooking dinner. Sh
e stepped back inside, grateful to have something to occupy her mind.

  She had already decided, earlier in the day, on cooking a chicken dish she used to make regularly. It was a dish that had what she considered to be a divine combination between sweet and hot. She knew that she would have to skip the hot part for Emily’s sake.

  She had already marinated the meat and had just finished topping and tailing the beans when Judith entered the living room wearing a baggy pair of blue sweatpants and top with her wet hair combed back. She gave Emily a kiss on the top of her head before sitting at the kitchen counter.

  “Do you want some help?”

  “No. I’m fine.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Absolutely, you’ve cooked for me every night. It’s only fair I cook you at least one edible meal.”

  “And how much of a health hazard am I exposing my daughter to?”

  Lizzy laughed, releasing some of the tension she felt between her shoulders. “Well, I learned a long time ago that arsenic isn’t the same as a parsnip.”

  “I should hope so. Are you sure I can’t help?”

  Lizzy liked the way Judith’s eyes seemed to shine more brightly. “Absolutely.”

  “I suppose I could get on with some washing.”

  “Or you could just sit and relax.”

  “I suppose I could do that too.”

  Lizzy playfully ushered her away with a hand gesture. “Go on, get out of here. You’re cluttering up my kitchen.”