Awakening to Sunlight Read online

  “Do you mind if I smoke?”

  Judith seemed surprised at the question. “No, of course not.”

  Lizzy took out a cigarette and lit it up. She hadn’t had one since an hour before the plane had taken off, nearly four hours ago. She took a long drag and breathed contentedly.

  “I’m sorry I used your dressing gown. I was in the bathroom when I heard the door. It was the first thing at hand.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I never use it anyway. It was given to me by a friend as a birthday present, but I don’t feel comfortable in it. I only kept it out of politeness for when she visits.” Lizzy took another drag of her cigarette. “May I ask why it is you’re here? Or is it too personal?”

  “Well, it’s personal, but I think you’re owed an explanation.”

  “Not necessarily.” Lizzy took another drag of her cigarette. “So Chris let you in?”

  “Yes. He said you’d be away for a few weeks and that he would okay it with you. I am truly sorry about this.”

  Lizzy knew Chris wouldn’t have been able to reach her.

  “I’m sure he tried, but I’d forgotten to pack my cell phone.”

  “Oh, I see.”

  Lizzy studied her a moment. It was clear she was nervous and she wondered what Judith was really thinking.

  “How long were you planning on staying?”

  “Well, Chris said you’d be gone for three weeks, so I assumed we’d be here for another two.”

  Lizzy noticed the “we” bit and was surprised to think that there might be somebody else in the apartment.

  “We?”

  Judith quickly explained. “My daughter, Emily. She’s only seven.” She diverted her gaze. “She’s sleeping at the moment.”

  It had already been a surprise to come home and find a stranger standing in her hallway, but the idea that a young child was asleep under her roof was somehow more unsettling. “Are you going through some kind of breakup?”

  Judith simply nodded her reply without looking up. Lizzy settled farther back in her chair and let the idea sink in. She wasn’t in the mood for company, especially that of people she didn’t know, but Judith had thought she had two weeks, and she had a kid. Lizzy knew that Chris would not have brought her there if he hadn’t thought it necessary. She suddenly felt very tired, too tired to have to deal with this woman’s predicament.

  Judith spoke up. “Look, I’m truly sorry about this. Really I am. If I had known you didn’t know we were here, then I would never have come. If you would just allow us to stay the night, I assure you we’ll leave first thing tomorrow morning.”

  Lizzy took another drag of her cigarette and figured what the hell. After all, she couldn’t put a woman and child onto the street with nowhere to go.

  “Well, I know Chris wouldn’t have let you into my home without good reason, so you’re welcome to stay the two weeks.”

  Judith shook her head adamantly. “No. You’re being very kind, but I can’t ask you to do this.”

  “Do you have anywhere else to stay?”

  Judith averted her eyes again.

  “And besides, you didn’t ask. I offered.”

  “Yes, but it’s not fair to you. You’ve come home and found two complete strangers sleeping in your home. I’m not sure I would have reacted as hospitably as you if it had happened to me.”

  Lizzy put out her cigarette.

  “Well, no harm has been done, so I guess it would be egotistical of me not to be. Look, things are as they are. It will probably be awkward at times, especially because we don’t know each other, but we can take it day by day. I’m not home that often anyway due to my work, so you’ll have the place pretty much to yourselves. As long as we respect each other, I’m sure it will be okay.”

  Judith chewed the inside of her mouth. “I haven’t enough money to—”

  Lizzy interjected. “You don’t need to pay me to stay here. Like I said, you’re welcome to stay. Just focus on what you need to do for you and your daughter.”

  The sudden wave of anguish she saw on Judith’s face made her feel very uncomfortable and she quickly stood. “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed. I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow. It was nice meeting you, Judith.” Before Judith could say anything else, Lizzy left the room.

  Judith remained seated, mulling over what had just happened. She felt so pathetic and embarrassed and wondered what Lizzy must think of her. She couldn’t believe that she had meant what she’d said when she said they could stay for the two weeks. It was an incredibly kind offer. She felt angry at herself for being in this position. Why hadn’t she stayed and asked Menno to leave? She hadn’t even tried. She’d just packed her bags and run away without any plan, like a silly teenager. She couldn’t believe what she’d done and now Lizzy, a complete stranger, was saddled up with a penniless woman and her daughter. Lizzy had said it would be egotistical of her not to be hospitable; well, it would be selfish of Judith to stay. She should go back and face Menno properly and ask him to leave, but even as she thought it she knew she couldn’t.

  She just couldn’t trust herself. He’d either start on one of his raving monologues or convince her to get back with him, and she couldn’t cope with either. Something had snapped inside her, dead, closed for good. There was no way she could go back home. There was no way of getting around it; she would have to swallow her pride and call her sister. She’d done this to herself, so it was her responsibility to deal with the consequences. Not Emily or Lizzy or anybody else. The clock on top of the fireplace told her it was twelve minutes past one. She picked up Lizzy’s mug and swilled it out along with her own before turning off the lights, and as she headed down the hall toward her bedroom, she wondered how on earth anyone could drink coffee creamer in their tea.

  Chapter Three

  Lizzy reluctantly woke to the annoying high-pitched buzzing of her alarm clock. She hated the penetrating sound and she hated even more that she had to have it on loud, otherwise she’d sleep right through it. Only half-conscious, she stretched out her arm and after a few seconds of fumbling misses managed to switch the wretched thing off. The silence that followed was a welcoming invitation to sleep again, but her sense of responsibility managed to make itself heard, reminding her that she had a lot of catching up to do. As she lay there, slowly resigning herself to the fact that she had to get up, she became, as usual, acutely aware of the empty space beside her. She didn’t need to look to know it was empty. Every fiber of her being felt it. She had, at one time, considered buying a new bed, but that would have meant accepting that the memories really were just memories. She flipped back the covers not wanting to think about the past and remembered that she wasn’t alone in the apartment.

  She remembered her initial shock at finding a stranger in her home and remembered the scared look on Judith’s face and the conversation that ensued. Judith had seemed nice enough and had clearly been more distressed about the situation than she had been. Judith, Judith the art connoisseur. Lizzy cringed. Mother of a seven-year-old. She gathered the breakup must have been pretty bad for her to take her daughter and camp out in a stranger’s home. For a moment she thought about the different possible scenarios, but the visions this evoked were unwelcome ones and she did not yet feel ready to cope with the harsh realities of the world so early in the morning.

  Being able to stand under her own clean shower instead of that of an unfamiliar French hotel room was a refreshing antidote against her lethargy, and by the time she was dressed she felt more prepared to face the day ahead. She started down the hall on her way to the kitchen for her usual morning cup of tea, and recognized the distinct sound of a cartoon as she approached the living room. A little girl dressed in pink pajamas was sitting on the couch engrossed in a cartoon. Lizzy remained in the doorway feeling awkward and uncertain what to do. The little girl looked her way and seemed to freeze. Lizzy quickly decided it would be best to act casual and approached her trying to sound disarming.

  “Hello
there. You must be Emily.” She held out her hand. “I’m Lizzy, I live here.”

  The little girl gaped up at her with a look of fright and Lizzy wondered where Judith was as she tried to come up with something reassuring. “I’m a friend of your mother’s.”

  Emily’s face relaxed slightly and she cautiously shook Lizzy’s hand. Lizzy recognized the cartoon blaring on the screen in front of them.

  “Ah, Scooby-Doo, that’s my favorite cartoon.”

  Emily’s eyes widened and a smile lit up her face. Lizzy knew she’d broken the ice and felt she could now safely head for the kitchen. When she looked back into the living room she saw that Emily was now standing at the side of the couch watching her. She’d never felt comfortable around children and now was no different.

  “Do you really like cartoons?” Emily asked cautiously.

  “Some of them I do. Scooby-Doo, Spider-Man…”

  “Spider-Man!” Emily giggled. “But that’s for boys!”

  Lizzy pretended to be insulted. “Who said so?”

  “Everybody knows that!”

  “They do, do they? Well, they don’t know what they’re talking about!”

  Emily giggled, and it was clear from her expression that Lizzy’s answers were unprecedented.

  “So what’s your favorite cartoon?”

  “Pokémon.” Her response was quick as if she’d been waiting for the question and Lizzy pretended to think a moment before speaking again.

  “Nah, Scooby-Doo is way better than Pokémon.”

  “No, it isn’t!” she excitedly exclaimed, obviously thrilled to be having such a conversation with a grown-up.

  Lizzy was about to lay out her case and defend Scooby-Doo, when Judith entered the room. She looked tired and pale and Lizzy got the impression that she had dressed quickly. Judith glanced briefly in her direction as she approached Emily.

  “Hey, you, you’re supposed to be dressed by now.” She gave Emily a kiss on top of her head. “Go on and get changed and I’ll make you some breakfast, and don’t forget to brush your teeth.”

  “Okay, Mommy.” Emily ran out of the room and Judith turned to face Lizzy, self-consciously pushing back a strand of hair that seemed intent on hanging free.

  “I’m sorry about that. I don’t usually oversleep.”

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about. I think you have a lovely daughter.”

  “Thank you. Do you mind if I make some toast?”

  “No, of course not.”

  Judith joined her in the kitchen and started making some toast. It reminded Lizzy that the cupboards were virtually empty and that she needed to go to the store.

  “I’m planning on getting some shopping in later. Is there anything in particular that I should get for you and Emily?”

  “Oh no, thank you. You don’t have to worry about us. I’ve decided to call my sister and ask if we can stay there.”

  Lizzy wondered why, if that was an option, she hadn’t done it in the first place. “You’re planning on going today?”

  “Well, I was thinking of tomorrow, if that’s okay with you?”

  Lizzy shrugged. “Sure.”

  Just then Emily ran back into the room wearing a pretty pink floral dress. Lizzy wondered if she ever wore anything besides pink. She didn’t usually like the color, but she did think Emily looked cute in it.

  “Now, that was way too fast for you to have washed and brushed. Never mind. You can do it after your breakfast.”

  Lizzy sat at the dining table with her mug of tea sorting through the mountain of accumulated mail from the past week. As she did, she was very aware of Emily sitting at the kitchen counter munching on a piece of toast while telling her mother something that had happened at school. The two of them were in their own bubble, safe and content with one another. A perfect and natural image of a mother and her child together, and yet somehow it seemed utterly surreal to Lizzy. For a moment she imagined it was Maurice in the kitchen talking to a little girl, but she instantly felt the familiar jab of guilt in her chest. It was time to leave. She forced the image from her mind and tried to sound cheerful as she left the table.

  “Well, I’m off. You’re sure you don’t need anything from the supermarket?”

  Judith smiled politely. “No, we’re fine, but thank you for offering.”

  “Okay, well, good luck with calling your sister.” She turned to leave and as she did, gave Emily a little wave. Emily waved back with a big grin as she bit into another slice of toast.

  *

  There was no other reason to delay making the phone call. She’d dropped Emily off at school, Lizzy was out, and she had to face the fact that there was nowhere else for them to stay. She took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm her nerves and then dialed her sister’s number. She waited anxiously as the ring tone repeated itself several times. She was about to hang up when a curt-sounding male answered. “Jacob van Baarn speaking.”

  “Hello, Jacob?” She paused. “It’s Judith.” She listened to the silence and quickly added, “Catherine’s sister?”

  “Oh! Judith!” Although he was momentarily taken aback, he remained just as curt and emotionless as before. “Catherine isn’t here at the moment. She’s gone skiing with some friends in Austria.” He paused before continuing. “She won’t be back until Friday. Would you like me to pass on a message?”

  Judith’s heart sank even further.

  “No. No, thank you. I’ll call her when she’s back.”

  “As you wish. Good day.”

  Judith was about to say good-bye but didn’t get the chance; he’d already hung up and she was left with the sound of his voice echoing in her head. She had never liked him. From the first moment she had laid eyes on him at one of her sister’s teen parties she had been amazed at his arrogance and the amount of pretentiousness he oozed. She had instinctively disliked him and had known right then that her sister would marry him.

  From somewhere far above her head a plane roared through the sky. She felt small and insignificant, a stranger to the world. It felt like she’d jumped off a sinking ship onto a shrinking island, and she was angry with herself; angry, because she was at a loss at what to do next. For a moment she considered calling Menno, but she knew there was no going back. She placed the phone back in its holder and told herself it was time for her to gain control. She knew she should have gone to the job center the very same day she had left him, but the whole task had been too daunting. She hadn’t worked outside the house since before Emily was born and she had panicked, feeling totally inadequate, but she had neither the time nor the money to succumb to fear or self-doubt. Judith, you have a child to consider and she is counting on you, she told herself as she pulled on her coat and left the apartment.

  *

  Lizzy had spent most of her morning letting members of her crew know she was back in town and available again. She’d been to the warehouse they had chosen as their primary shooting location to see how the building of the set was coming along, and after having spent a few hours there had tried to reach Anita, her producer, but hadn’t been able to get a hold of her. She had been able to reach Sam, her storyboard artist, and had set up a meeting for later that afternoon to go over the latest sketches. Finding herself with a few hours to spare, she decided to go back home to do some work on the shooting script.

  As she opened her front door she caught the lingering scent of an unfamiliar perfume. Although it was nothing like Maurice’s, it reminded her of how much she still missed the familiar delicate trail of her scent that had once tinted every room. Feelings of want and loneliness engulfed her as she imagined Maurice welcoming her home again. The black hole inside her chest stirred and she struggled to block it out.

  She nearly didn’t notice the note Judith had left her on the kitchen counter.

  Dear Lizzy,

  I have not been able to contact my sister and I would like to take you up on your generous offer if it still stands. I truly am sorry to have put you in this situati
on.

  Judith

  Lizzy read the note a second time and wondered if she had done the right thing in offering to let them stay for another two weeks, but as she was in no mood for inner reflection, quickly decided that what was done was done and that it was best not to think about it. After Judith had said that she and Emily didn’t need anything from the store, Lizzy had forgotten all about getting some shopping in. She rarely ate at home nowadays and only bought the bare necessities, often late at night on her way home, but she felt obligated to make sure there was food for her temporary cohabitants whether they wanted it or not.

  She spent way more time in the supermarket than she’d anticipated. She had never gotten used to buying for one and now she was trying to think for three, and that was proving equally difficult. She had no idea what they liked and eventually decided on buying what she liked and then tripling it, including some junk food she thought Emily might like.

  The apartment was still empty when she got back, so after unpacking the shopping she wrote a note to Judith letting her know there was food in the cupboards and to feel free to help themselves, then left to meet Sam.

  *

  Judith felt completely done in. She hadn’t expected it to be easy, but she hadn’t been prepared for the humiliation. She’d trudged around to every employment agency listed in the area and had filled in the same monotonous forms, answered the same repetitive questions to a seemingly uninterested person behind a computer every time. Only after they had entered her details into their computer did they tell her that they didn’t have anything to offer her at the moment. Apparently there were more applicants than there were job offers in the field she was looking for. They also kindly pointed out that it was especially difficult in her case, because she had been out of the sector for so long. She had kept up a brave face and had made it clear to all of them that she was prepared to do any type of work if need be.