Awakening to Sunlight Read online

  “Well, take it with you. It’ll only get thrown out otherwise. Tom doesn’t like keeping takeout.”

  Lizzy followed him into the kitchen. “Speaking of the devil, where is he?”

  “He’s on the graveyard shift. You just missed him.”

  “Thanks for doing this today.”

  “No thanks necessary, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. In fact, feel free to call me whenever you need a babysitter.”

  Lizzy found it strange that Chris was telling her, of all people, that he was available for babysitting and yet she already needed one for next Friday.

  “Well, we’ll need someone for next week Friday, but I doubt you’ll be free.”

  Chris looked up expectantly. “Is there something going on I don’t know about?”

  “Anita and Sam have just announced their engagement and they’re throwing a party. I’m sure you’ll receive your invitation in the next few days.”

  “Well, well. It’s about time those two tied the knot. So, are you going?”

  “I don’t see how I can get out of it. Anita made it abundantly clear she wants me there.” Lizzy paused. “She’s invited Judith as well.”

  “Are you all right with that?”

  Lizzy simply shrugged and Chris sighed. “I wish you’d talk to me.”

  “What do you call this?”

  He smiled affectionately. “Bread crumbs.”

  Lizzy knew he was concerned about her and thought she needed to talk about how she felt, but she simply hadn’t the words to offer him.

  He held out the bag of Chinese for her. “Tom’s got a niece who’s always babysitting for people. I’ll give her a call. Now come on, you need to get the ladies back.”

  *

  Lizzy was fully aware of Emily dozing off in the backseat and Judith sitting next to her in the passenger seat holding the bag of Chinese food on her lap. Their presence felt familiar and reassuring, and yet that same familiarity frightened her. Up until a few months ago she hadn’t even known they existed and now, somehow, they had become a part of her life. A life she had been convinced she no longer wanted. Among her feelings of anger and despair there had always been one thing she had known for certain: every day lived without Maurice was a day not worth living. But that had been before morning cartoons, pirate costumes, and home-cooked meals. She realized she was starting to enjoy things again, like watching movies with Judith and playing pirates with Emily, but how could she without Maurice?

  By the time they got home Emily had fallen fast asleep, and because Judith already had her hands full, Lizzy had been the one to pick Emily up and carry her up the stairs. She had done it without thinking, but as she climbed the stairs she was struck by the vulnerability of the sleeping child in her arms and felt a profound sense of protectiveness toward her. She carried her to her bedroom and carefully laid her down.

  For the past few years her home had been empty and cold, a mere memory of the warmth and promise it once held, but for the past few months her home had been filled with life and activity. The sleeping girl portrayed a vibrancy of life that was a startling contrast to the death and anger that held Lizzy captive. Lizzy felt confused and out of place. Judith started undoing the laces on Emily’s shoes and deftly pulled the shoes off her feet. Lizzy found comfort in the idea that Judith knew exactly what she was doing and left the room leaving Judith to be the mother that she was.

  Lizzy had already laid out the food on the dinner table and was pouring wine into glasses by the time Judith joined her. They started dishing up the food onto their plates and it wasn’t long before Judith realized that Lizzy wasn’t actually eating and that she was way off in thought.

  “A penny for your thoughts?”

  Lizzy looked up puzzled.

  “You haven’t said a word since we left Chris’s.”

  Lizzy laid her fork down and rubbed her left temple. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be unsociable. I’ve just got some things on my mind.”

  Judith wondered if her silence had anything to do with Anita’s good news. Lizzy hadn’t jumped with joy like the others had and she’d been withdrawn since. She’d believed her when she’d said she was happy for them, but she was convinced there was more to the story than what Lizzy was letting on.

  “Do you want to share them? I mean, if it’s a problem, they say two heads are better than one.”

  A problem… Lizzy had never thought of the void inside her as a problem. She’d simply accepted the torment of its presence as the natural effect of Maurice’s absence. How did one share anger, frustration, and despair?

  Although Lizzy’s face revealed nothing, Judith sensed her distress and wanted to somehow help soothe it.

  “You’ve helped me, maybe I can help you.”

  “What makes you think I need helping?” Lizzy retorted dryly.

  Judith waited a moment before daring to continue.

  “Because you’re carrying something inside you that obviously pains you, and you don’t seem able to talk about it.”

  “Why is it everybody wants me to talk? It’s not like it’s going to change anything, is it?”

  Judith’s first response was to cower from Lizzy’s outburst of anger, but she heard the anguish and pain behind her words and tried to stay calm.

  “Lizzy, please—”

  “Lizzy please what? What, Judith?”

  Judith could feel her own heart pounding faster. “Lizzy, you’ll wake Emily.”

  Lizzy remembered Emily asleep, vulnerable and trusting in her arms. Regret swept through her, coiling itself around the rampaged emotions that clawed at her heart. She did the only thing left in her power to do: she walked away.

  *

  Lizzy strode down the dark street oblivious to her surroundings until she reached the gates of the one place she had avoided for the past three years. Of course the iron gates were closed and padlocked, but Lizzy didn’t hesitate. She pulled herself up and over, landing firmly on her feet on the other side. The only light was that from the moon and a few stars, but she walked purposefully past all the other headstones until she reached the one she had come for. She took a breath before kneeling and lifted her fingers to the engraving she knew to be there.

  IN LOVING MEMORY

  OF

  MAURICE FERRIER

  1974-2006

  A DEVOTED SPOUSE,

  A BLESSED GRANDCHILD,

  A FAITHFUL FRIEND

  SHE LIVED IN LOVE

  AND WILL BE

  FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS.

  Lizzy had refused to come here after the funeral, not wanting to accept that the woman she loved lay here, outside, in the cold ground. It had been too much for her mind to comprehend that the body she loved, the body that had once been warm within her embrace, was now cold and lifeless, buried among strangers.

  She didn’t know what to expect or why she’d come now, but as she ran her fingers over the words engraved into the cold headstone she realized that the part of Maurice she had really loved was not buried there. What Lizzy had loved had surpassed anything physical; it had been Maurice’s soul, her every thought and emotion, her very essence, and that could never be buried or laid to rest in the dirt. Something so beautiful couldn’t just disappear into nothingness. It had to exist, had to live on in some form or another. She sat on the cold ground, resting her back against Maurice’s headstone, and closed her eyes. She remembered the dream she’d had where she had seen Maurice among the children in the orphanage. She watched her again, and as she did so, she felt her anger slowly start to subside.

  *

  It was near dawn when she finally left the cemetery. She felt raw and tired and wasn’t ready to face Judith. So instead of going home she headed straight for the studio. An invisible cloud hung around her all day, but she tried to stay focused. Judith’s expression from the night before kept flashing to mind. Lizzy had acted completely out of character and she felt utterly ashamed of herself.

  When she got back that night she found the apartment sh
rouded in darkness, and if it hadn’t been for the rays of light escaping into the hall from Emily’s bedside lamp, she would have sworn she was alone. She contemplated knocking on Judith’s door to apologize to her, but she wasn’t able to think of any words that would relay what she truly felt.

  It was something one of the crewmembers said in passing the following day that gave her an idea. She knew it could backfire, but she needed to do something, anything, to let Judith know how sorry she was. So she made the necessary plans.

  She left the studio just before seven and nervously opened her front door twenty minutes later. She found Emily sitting on the couch reading a book, but there was no sign of Judith.

  “Hi, kiddo. Where’s your mom?”

  “She’s running my bath.”

  Lizzy started doubting whether this was a good idea. Emily seemed to pick up on her dilemma.

  “What’s the matter, Lizzy?”

  “I want to ask your mother to go somewhere with me later, but I’m not sure she will want to go.”

  “You’ll never know if you don’t ask her.”

  Lizzy couldn’t help but smile at her down-to-earth response.

  “Just say your mother agreed, would you mind if Chris came over to babysit?”

  *

  Through the open bathroom door Lizzy could see Judith sitting on the edge of the bath, but she knocked anyway out of politeness before entering. Judith didn’t even look up and Lizzy felt her courage quickly start to waver, but she commanded herself to continue before it completely disappeared.

  “I was wondering if you’d let me take you somewhere tonight.”

  “It’s a weeknight. I can’t just leave Emily.”

  Judith still hadn’t looked up and her tone of voice was flat. A big part of Lizzy wanted to turn and walk away, not wanting to have to deal with the guilt she felt, but she knew she couldn’t.

  “I’ve already called Chris and he said he would be prepared to come over and babysit. All I have to do is confirm it and he’ll be right over.”

  She held her breath knowing this was crunch time and hoped that Judith would not take her persistence the wrong way.

  Judith stood, wiping her hand dry on a towel. “Lizzy, if you don’t mind, I’d rather be left alone.”

  Lizzy felt her heart sink with the weight of Judith’s dismissive words and had no idea how to continue. Emily appeared at her side.

  “I think you should go, Mommy.”

  Judith turned in their direction for the first time, obviously surprised to hear Emily. She looked back and forth between them until her eyes rested on Lizzy. Lizzy felt uncomfortable under their scrutiny, but she held her gaze and said the only thing that came to mind. “Please?”

  Judith stared at her a few moments longer. “I suppose one of you should call Chris, then.”

  *

  They drove in awkward silence until Lizzy finally pulled the car into a parking space at the side of the road.

  “We have to walk the last bit.”

  “Are you going to tell me now where you’re taking me?”

  “Ecuador.”

  “Ecuador, what’s that?”

  “It’s the name of the university’s movie theater.”

  “You’re taking me to see a movie?” Judith sounded more confused than surprised.

  “Not exactly.”

  Judith felt too tired to question her further. She’d worked hard all day and hadn’t slept well during the two nights since their altercation. She wouldn’t have come if it hadn’t been for the look of sheer humbleness on Lizzy’s face and Emily’s determination. Lizzy’s outburst had upset her, more than she cared to admit. It wasn’t the outburst as such; it had more to do with the fact that Lizzy either didn’t want to or was not capable of letting her in. She didn’t understand why it bothered her so much and couldn’t believe how quickly she had become emotionally caught up with a woman who she had met only recently. She had thought of nothing else for the past two days.

  Lizzy led her down a side alley and stopped in front of a shabby door. She rang the bell three times, then waited until a ginger-haired man with a stubbly beard opened the door.

  “Hey ya, Lizzy. It’s been a while.”

  “It sure has been.”

  Lizzy shook his hand. “Thanks for doing this, Jacob.”

  “Well, like you said, I still owed you one.”

  They followed him up a small flight of stairs and entered a small movie theater. Everything, including the seats and walls, was covered in a velvety red material that looked tattered after years of wear.

  “I’ve left you some snacks on the best seats in the house.”

  Lizzy shook his hand and thanked him again before he left them alone. Judith followed Lizzy down the small aisle and then down a row of seats until they reached the two seats filled with popcorn and the like.

  Judith started clearing her seat. “I thought the best seats were supposed to be the most central.”

  “A lot of the time they are, but it always depends on the shape of the room and the positioning of the chairs and how the sound travels. In this place these are it.”

  Once they were seated Judith glanced around and furrowed her eyebrows as it dawned on her.

  “Are we the only ones?”

  “Yes.”

  For the first time in days, Judith felt uplifted. She hadn’t been to a movie theater since her early teens and never before had she sat in one alone. The notion was exciting.

  “So what are we going to see?”

  “Flicks.”

  “What’s it about?”

  Lizzy smiled. “Flicks, as in old black-and-white silent movies.”

  Just then the lights faded and the screen flickered to life.

  *

  Two hours later they were outside again heading back to the car. The night sky was clear and the air crisp, but Judith didn’t mind the cold. She’d thoroughly enjoyed herself. It had taken her a few minutes to get used to the quirkiness of the black-and-white, soundless movies, but after that she found the stories fully entertaining.

  “What on earth made you think to bring me here?”

  “I thought you might like it.”

  “Well, I did. I loved it.”

  They turned a corner and were now just a few feet away from the car. Lizzy seemed to draw in a deep breath.

  “And I wanted to apologize for the way I reacted the other night.”

  Lizzy’s apology sounded heartfelt and it touched Judith deeply. So much so that she felt compelled to keep the conversation lighthearted and pretend it wasn’t that big a deal.

  “You didn’t need to go to this much trouble to do that, although I admit, I’m glad you did.”

  Lizzy stopped walking and turned to face her. “It’s important to me that you know that I don’t usually act like that and that I’m not accustomed to raising my voice.”

  Judith wanted to reach out to her, to touch her, but she knew well enough by now that her gesture might cause Lizzy to recoil. She had enjoyed her evening and her company and appreciated her apology too much to risk Lizzy putting up her barrier again.

  “I know, and your apology means more than you can imagine.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  With her hair wrapped up in a towel and another wrapped around her chest, Judith stood at the end of her bed with her hands on her hips, staring at the clothes she’d thrown down. She’d been looking forward to the party all week, feeling a butterfly sensation in her stomach whenever she thought of accompanying Lizzy, but now, with only a few hours to go, her excitement had turned into anguish and she was seriously wondering if she shouldn’t make some excuse to stay home. She knew that most of the people there knew Lizzy and she wanted to look her best, but she doubted whether she would fit in and she didn’t want Lizzy feeling embarrassed for having entered the party with her. There was a gentle knock at the door and she knew it could only be Lizzy. Without another thought she called her in. Lizzy opened the door and then quickly
averted her eyes.

  “I…I was just wondering if you’d seen my black pants?”

  “Yes, they’re folded up and in that pile on top of the washing machine.”

  Lizzy looked uncomfortable. “You didn’t have to do my washing.”

  “I know, but I figured if I’m doing ours, then a little extra on top wouldn’t kill me.”

  “Well, thanks anyway.” She moved to leave but then nodded at the clothes strewn about the bed. “I’m sure whatever you choose, you’ll look lovely.”

  Judith felt her cheeks burn and was grateful that Lizzy closed the door behind her without glancing back. She sat on the edge of the bed wondering why on earth it pleased her so when Lizzy complimented her like that. She thought back to all the times Lizzy had seen her crying, puffy eyed, and simply put, looking a mess. She felt even more determined to look her best.

  Lizzy paced back and forth waiting for Judith in the living room. She’d never been one to fuss about her appearance, and that evening she had quickly showered and put on a black pair of pants and an olive-colored shirt. Maurice used to complain how unfair it was how good she looked with so little effort. Unfortunately for Lizzy, it meant she was always the one waiting around with time to think.

  She’d been dreading the party all week and her only source of comfort had been the knowledge that Judith would be there. Judith was the only one that hadn’t known her before Maurice’s death and would therefore be the only one there without certain expectations or presumptions of her. That comfort had instantly disappeared when she had stepped into Judith’s room half an hour ago. Her blood had raced at the sight of her wrapped merely in a towel. It had been a long time since her body had reacted that way toward a woman, and always, always it had been Maurice. She told herself that it was just a normal biological reaction after not having seen a woman for so long, but as she watched Judith walk toward her now, wearing a simple, but very elegant light beige suit, with her auburn hair loose around her shoulders, her blood raced again.