Awakening to Sunlight Page 11

  *

  The milk Lizzy was stirring had just started to rise when she heard the gurgling of the bath. She poured the hot milk into a mug, then added a big tablespoon of cocoa and stirred again.

  For the past few years she had gone through life numb. It had been the only way she could cope, but during the past few weeks that numbness had started failing her, and tonight had been pivotal. Throughout the evening she had tried several things to occupy her mind, but her thoughts had kept drifting back to Judith and her dinner with her ex. She’d been worried that Menno might convince Judith to go back with him, then she’d chastised herself for not trusting Judith’s strength and capability in handling her own life. It was just that she knew all too well how bravery could disappear in an eyewink when entering a room of emotional confrontation, and she didn’t want Judith or Emily to get hurt any more than they already had been. The fact that she considered Judith going back to Menno a mistake had made her feel even more annoyed at herself. At the end of the day, who was she to say they shouldn’t give it another go if that’s what they chose, but when she saw the state of Judith when she arrived back home she’d felt instant rage toward Menno, and the remnants of that anger still echoed inside her.

  She had acted on autopilot, doing what she thought needed to be done without hesitation. She’d held Judith close in an attempt to help get her warm again while waiting for the bath to fill, but holding someone so close had made her sweat with fear. Memories of holding Maurice during her illness, trying in vain to soothe the pain, came flooding to the surface, and it had cost her all her strength to focus on helping Judith.

  The door to Judith’s bedroom was ajar and Lizzy could see Judith sitting on her bed gazing out in front of her. She looked exhausted and drawn, and reminded her yet again of Maurice when her illness had first started to take its toll, when she could no longer hide her pain and the exhaustion in coping with it. Lizzy shook her head, trying to shake the memory and the emotions that came with it. She entered the room, but was careful to avoid eye contact.

  “I’ve made you a hot drink that will help you sleep.” Lizzy handed Judith the mug before stepping back to the doorway again. “I’ve also put a hot water bottle in your bed.”

  “Is that a gift you were born with or is it something you’ve learned through the years?”

  “What?”

  “Knowing what to say and do at the right time?”

  Lizzy thought back to all the times she had wanted to say something to Maurice, something that would make a difference, and all the times she had failed. She struggled to cope with the heavy churning in her chest.

  “You should get yourself into bed.”

  Judith managed a weak smile and did exactly that.

  *

  Lizzy felt mentally drained as she undressed for bed, but the last bit of her working brain made her set the alarm clock before crawling under the sheets, because she doubted that Judith would be well enough to pick Emily up in the morning. Then, like she always did, she rolled over and stared at the empty space Maurice still filled, desperately trying to recapture her warm expression. Normally she would fall asleep while doing so, but tonight she couldn’t hold on to her. It was if she was slowly losing the ability to remember what she had looked like, and the thought filled her with self-loathing. She closed her eyes and remembered how Judith had looked when she had arrived home. Shaking, cold, hurt by the man who proclaimed to love her.

  People understood that they would one day die, and yet they still walked through life oblivious to how precious their time was. So many used that time chasing after things that eventually meant nothing and did so while hurting those around them. Deep in her heart she knew the value of someone’s life couldn’t be measured with conceptions of good or bad, but she would never understand how certain people got to live out their lives with such disregard while others got hurt and people like her Maurice, a warm kind soul, had to die so young and so cruelly.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Lizzy opened her eyes to see the red digits on her alarm clock pointedly glaring back at her. It was twenty to nine. She’d woken ten minutes before the alarm was set to go off. For some reason that made her feel smug, as if she’d somehow won one over on it. She rolled onto her back and considered closing her eyes again, but she didn’t know whether Judith was up yet and if she was even well enough to pick Emily up. She forced herself up and away from the warmth of her bed and trudged down the hall imagining the alarm clock secretly gloating at her behind her back. She listened at Judith’s door for any indication that she was up, but the whole apartment echoed silence. She politely knocked and waited for a sound. When none came, she carefully opened the door. Judith was dead to the world and Lizzy couldn’t bring herself to wake her up. She quietly closed the door and headed for the bathroom.

  *

  Lizzy rang the doorbell and waited until a well-dressed woman answered. Despite her clothing she looked worn out and Lizzy sympathized with her. She imagined it was no easy task hosting a sleepover for a bunch of seven-year-olds.

  “Hi, I’m here to pick up Emily.”

  The woman seemed to hesitate before offering her hand. “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe we’ve met before.”

  “No. I believe it was your husband whom I spoke to yesterday when I dropped Emily off. I’m Lizzy, a…” She hesitated, trying to find the words that best described her relationship to Judith. “Friend of Judith’s.”

  The woman still seemed hesitant and Lizzy understood her predicament. She wouldn’t feel comfortable handing over a child to someone she had never met before, especially if she hadn’t been told to. She felt she needed to elaborate to help put the woman at ease.

  “Judith’s come down with a bad cold and asked me to pick Emily up for her.”

  “Oh, I hope it’s not too serious.”

  “It will probably pass in a few days.”

  Just then, the man Lizzy had spoken to the day before stepped into the hallway carrying a child in his arms. The woman turned and called to him. “Henk, you remember Lizzy from yesterday?”

  The man waved with his free hand and the woman seemed to accept this as a confirmation that all was well. She turned to Lizzy with a warm smile.

  “Well, I’ll just go fetch her, then.”

  Lizzy waited on the doorstep until Emily ran into the hall enthusiastically calling out her name.

  “Lizzy! Look what I’ve got!”

  Emily ran up to her, her coat dragging in one hand and a bag of sweets dangling from the other.

  “Wow!” Lizzy took the bag, pretending to admire it.

  “We all got one. Everybody else ate most of theirs last night, but I’ve been saving mine.”

  The woman seemed to completely relax at witnessing Emily’s enthusiasm at seeing Lizzy and passed her Emily’s small backpack.

  “She’s such a lovely child. So easily pleased.”

  “Yes, she is.” Lizzy knelt to help Emily put on her coat and zip up.

  “Give Judith my best wishes, won’t you.”

  “I will, and thank you for having Emily over. She seems to have really enjoyed herself.”

  “It was a pleasure. Like I said, she’s a lovely girl.”

  Lizzy shook the woman’s hand one more time and then led Emily down the path to the car.

  “How come Mommy’s not here?”

  “She’s not feeling very well, but she’ll be all right. She’s wrapped up nice and warm in bed and with a lot of TLC she’ll be just fine.”

  “TLC?”

  “Yes, TLC. It means tender loving care.”

  Emily wrinkled her eyebrows together. “You mean lots of hugs and kisses?”

  Lizzy smiled. “Yep.”

  Emily repeated the letters to herself as she climbed into the backseat.

  When they got back Emily said that she was going to give her mommy lots of TLC and ran straight to Judith’s room, but came back out tiptoeing and whispered that mommy was still asleep. Lizzy made them
both a drink and listened patiently as Emily recounted every minute detail about the sleepover. By the end of it Lizzy knew the names of all the girls there and their take on the boys at school, plus the names of the latest preteen idols and the gossip that surrounded them. She couldn’t remember her elementary school days being so complex. She gathered this was what the experts meant when they said that the youth of today was much older than the youth of prior generations, or was this a case of the older you get, the more you forget?

  After Emily finished telling her story, Lizzy asked about her homework and they sat together at the dinner table while Emily attempted to solve her row of sums. To Lizzy’s relief, the math homework of a seven-year-old wasn’t all that difficult and she was easily able to help her.

  *

  Judith slowly opened her eyes and listened to her own breathing. The events of the previous night came flooding back and she buried her face in her pillow, trying to hide from the ugly feelings that accompanied them. Then she remembered Emily and lifted her head to look at the time. It was five o’clock p.m. Stunned, she stared at the numbers with disbelief. There was no way she could have slept so long. She quickly stood, but the room started to sway and she was forced to sit back down on the bed and wait for the dizziness to subside. Her second attempt at getting up proved successful, although she still felt unsteady as she crossed the room.

  As soon as she opened her bedroom door she was hit by the familiar smell of pancakes and recognized the cheerful bantering of Emily in the distance. Relief swept through her knowing Emily was safely back at home.

  “What if I drop it?”

  “Then we’ll just make another one.”

  Emily giggled nervously.

  “I tell you what, I’ll count to three and then you just flick it like I showed you. Okay? Ready? One…two…three…”

  Judith watched from the doorway as Emily closed her eyes, stretched out her arms, and then tossed the pancake. It just about made enough height to flip itself over, but landed half in and half out of the pan.

  “See, there’s nothing to it,” Lizzy said.

  “But it’s hanging over the side.” Emily pouted.

  “That’s all right, just give the pan a slight shake until it…there you go. See, it just slides back in.”

  “Hey, I did it!” Emily was grinning again.

  “You sure did.”

  Deep down Judith knew Lizzy would have taken care of things and she was eternally grateful to her for looking after Emily, but seeing them together in the kitchen making pancakes, seeing how much Emily was enjoying herself also made her feel a little redundant.

  She cleared her throat and joined them.

  “Mommy, I just helped Lizzy make pancakes and I flipped one as well.”

  Judith perched herself on a bar stool on the other side of the counter and avoided looking at Lizzy, not wanting her to see her watery eyes.

  “Yes, darling, I saw you.”

  “You did?”

  “Yes, dear, and you were great.” Judith smiled lovingly at her.

  “Shall I show you again?”

  She wanted to be here, sharing these moments with Emily, but she felt so tired. Her whole body ached and she could feel a migraine coming on. She tried to sound encouraging.

  “I’d love that.”

  Emily, guided by Lizzy’s hand, attempted to flip another pancake. This time the pancake landed perfectly back in the pan and Emily’s expression was one of immense pride. Judith managed to clap enthusiastically, but then Emily offered to show her again. Judith wanted to indulge her, but her migraine was getting stronger and she was starting to feel nauseated.

  Lizzy intervened. “Hey, Emily, how about we let your mommy go back to bed for a while so you can practice and then you can make her a pancake from scratch another time.”

  Emily turned to face Judith. “Are you still tired, Mommy?”

  Emily’s concerned expression made Judith want to cry again.

  “Yes, darling, I am, but it’s nothing for you to worry about.”

  Emily’s expression turned resolute. “Then Lizzy is right, you should go back to bed.”

  Judith glanced at Lizzy for the first time, but she was looking at the floor. With a sigh, Judith stepped off the stool and reached across the counter to touch Emily’s face. “I’m very lucky to have you as my daughter.”

  Emily grinned from ear to ear.

  *

  Again Judith woke to the sound of her own breathing. This time, though, the room was pitch-black and there was silence all around. The numbers on the clock now flashed two a.m. She fumbled to locate the switch for the bedside lamp. After letting her eyes adjust to the light, she forced her body out of bed for a second time that day.

  The hall was dark except for the glow from Emily’s bedside light. She headed toward it and when she found Emily fast asleep, tucked in bed, safe and cozy, her mind swamped with emotion again. She hated the fact that she hadn’t been there to tuck Emily into bed and felt upset with Lizzy for being the one to do it, and at the same time guilty with undefined gratitude that she had.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Lizzy got up and found a cheerful Emily in her usual post, in front of the TV watching her morning cartoons. Taking care of her yesterday hadn’t been difficult, but the idea of being responsible for a child had been unnerving. Looking after her the whole day was very different from a few hours in the park. To Lizzy’s dismay, Judith was nowhere to be seen and Lizzy guessed she was still asleep. When Judith had joined them in the kitchen yesterday looking so pale and drawn, she had reminded her of Maurice in those first days of her illness. Her insides had coiled and she’d only been able to cope by focusing all her attention on Emily. She had hoped that Judith would be feeling better today.

  She made Emily breakfast and decided to boil an egg for Judith. She carried the breakfast tray to Judith’s room, but found her still fast asleep. She placed the tray on the nightstand next to Judith’s bed and stared at the form beneath the sheets, mesmerized by the soft sound of breathing and the slight rise of the body with each breath. She realized she was waiting for it to stop, for the silence to come, the sound of breathing to cease. She longed to hold Maurice again and feel her body wrapped in her arms, warm, safe, and alive.

  She barely made it to the toilet in time. The hole in her chest churned ferociously, pain and anger escaping her depths. She gagged as wave after wave of emotions rose to the surface. Then she fell to the floor void of all sensation except for the realization that she was still alive.

  An hour later she was at the studio staring into her coffee, willing her mind to crack into focus. There were only two weeks left before primary shooting started and she couldn’t allow herself to fall apart now. Anita had scheduled this meeting and she needed to be clear-headed.

  “Since when have we started hiring underage help?”

  Lizzy didn’t need to look up to know Anita was the one standing across the table from her.

  “Aren’t you the one who’s always on about finding cheap labor?”

  “Oh, that’s sweet, even for you.”

  Anita sat opposite her and poured herself a fresh cup of coffee. Lizzy knew that Anita had been working her butt off getting things together before shooting started, and the bags under her eyes proved it.

  “You look worn out.”

  “You don’t look your best either, and your nightmare’s yet to start.”

  Anita added four sugars to her coffee. “So, would you care to explain to me why a seven-year-old is playing with the gaffer?”

  “She’s the daughter of a friend.”

  “Would this friend happen be the woman who’s living with you at the moment?”

  Lizzy was surprised that Anita knew about that. Anita raised her hands in a gesture of innocence.

  “I’m the producer, remember? It’s my business to know everything, and besides, Sam and I had dinner the other night.”

  Lizzy had not intended on telling Sam about her ne
w cohabitants, but after she’d had to cut one of her visits short for a second time to pick up Emily, he had become suspicious and had blackmailed her into telling him: “Either you tell me what’s going on and I’ll show you the new changes to the storyboard, or you don’t and I won’t.”

  Lizzy scowled. “And you guys had nothing better to do than talk about my life?”

  Anita shrugged. “Normally yes, normally we skip all foreplay.”

  The image of Sam’s spindly legs running up the stairs flashed into view and Lizzy winced. “Please, spare me the details.”

  “So how come the girl isn’t at home with her mother?”

  “Her mother’s not feeling well, so I brought her along.”

  “I must admit I never expected to see you bringing a child to work.”

  “Yeah, well…” To Lizzy’s dismay she realized she didn’t have anything to say to that.

  “Ah, don’t look so uncomfortable, your secret’s safe with me.”

  Lizzy frowned. “What secret?”

  Anita smiled. “That you like kids.”

  Lizzy opened her mouth to respond, but just then a group of fellow crew members walked into the cafeteria area. Before they reached them, Anita leaned closer and whispered, “Maurice would be proud of you.”